When I am broken, it's not until I've used up all my earthly resources and am completely empty that I realize what I've needed all along. It's not until that point that I remember who was waiting to comfort me all along. By then however, I've been stripped to the core.. and need to be resurrected.
This Thanksgiving, I find myself in that place. While everyone's with their families celebrating, my broken family is reminded of all our shortcomings... as parents and as children. Being caught in the middle, let down by those you place your trust in the most, having to play the role of the parent again shook me to the core. Every year I say it'll be different. I have hope that we'll learn from all these scars, but we don't. And I find myself chasing the wind. The pain makes us want something different, but pride keeps the table empty and we find ourselves hungry. Not for stuffing or honey glazed ham or pumpkin pie, but for love, understanding, and most importantly, for forgiveness. Over the years, I think that the rest of my family learned to accept and expect it, but I've become too hurt by it.. so hurt that this year, I ended up not going. I had nothing left to give. I needed my dad this year.. needed him to stick up for his daughter and be MY father. But when I found myself where I am all to often, I couldn't go.
Sitting in my room, this song came on and like the first time I heard it, I fell to my knees and sat there, crying out for what I needed most. Ashamed that I had to come to this point once again.. but joyfully surrounded by Him... being fed by his love, grace, and mercy.
Resurrection- Nicol Sponberg
I'm at a loss of words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core
I can't fake it anymore
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise if from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again
